


please don't say you love me

by angelsprunch



Series: losers analysis [5]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Love, M/M, eddie falls in love with all the boys, he's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-03 02:13:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12738927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsprunch/pseuds/angelsprunch
Summary: eddie falls in love with all the boys, but he has to marry a girl.





	please don't say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> so this is eddie’s fic! i couldn’t find a good song for it, well i found a few but i don’t know?? so then i had just a title but i like having song titles and so now it’s this song even though i feel like this song is a stozier song. anyways !! warnings: homophobia, death

Looking at Bill, Eddie always hoped that the others felt the same way he did. To an extent, he believed, they did. They saw someone who was strong, powerful, and capable. They saw a caring boy that would do anything for his friends, someone who was brave to a fault. They all admired Bill, too. Eddie knew that and that was how he rationalized his feelings. If Eddie really thought about how his chest constricted whenever Bill acknowledged him or how his stomach churned from the way he looked at Beverly, Eddie would know that the others didn’t feel  _ that _ . It was difficult for Eddie to think about, though. With the AIDS epidemic his mother freely shared her opinions on what she called the “homosexual lifestyle”. That on it’s own was enough to make Eddie feel like an outcast when he sat in the pew at church. It didn’t help that people like Henry Bowers called him “girly boy” among other things.

 

All of it sat rather uncomfortably in the pit of Eddie’s stomach, but he tried to ignore it. He’d swallow more pills in hopes of the bad feeling going away before he admitted where it really came from. They would brush hands and his heart would do a backflip which would result in Eddie placing another sugar pill on his tongue. He would go to church more often in and he would pray until his knees ached from kneeling. He didn’t dare confess to the priest the thoughts swimming in his head because he was scared of what would happen if those thoughts were spoken. Eddie was scared that it would mean admitting they were there, he was scared of what his mother would do if she found out. She always found out.

 

The second time Eddie fell in love, he was on a farm. He was going on and on about all the different diseases he could contract from the animals and yelling about how he was allergic to just about everything here, but Eddie didn’t want to leave. Mike looked so happy and at peace on the farm and he wasn’t even asking Eddie to help out. Mike seemed to genuinely enjoy the company. Eddie felt like a freeloader, though, and he knew that he was staring so he hurriedly moved to help Mike in planting flowers. Anything involving the animals was done by Mike while Eddie went on about how easy it would be to get sick in all of this. Mike only laughed at Eddie’s shrill tone. As they planted flowers, Eddie only mentioned his allergies twice. 

 

Just as Eddie thought he was over his first crush, he found his eyes lingering on Mike’s features. His lips looked so soft and he wondered what kind of chapstick Mike used. Mike seemed so fluid with his movements and he carried himself with such confidence that Eddie couldn’t help but be pulled in. The sat across from each other as they planted flowers and Eddie subconsciously reached out for Mike’s hands. The other boy’s movement stilled and he looked at Eddie. His face was turning red and Eddie pulled his hands away before getting up. Something churned uncomfortably in his stomach and the smaller boy reached for his fanny pack with an apologetic look. “I need to go home, I think I’m getting sick.” he mumbled before going around to get his bike. When he got home, Eddie cried.

 

It happened again in the library. They were in high school and Eddie was struggling with his English homework. Luckily enough, Ben didn’t have plans after school so the last few days he was meeting with Ben to study. Ben was a great tutor and Eddie felt like he was learning a lot, but lately he found himself looking over Ben’s personal writing with a new sense of curiosity that he couldn’t quite place. Sometimes he’d read the poems written and he’d smile to himself because of how sweet they were and other times he’d wish that someone would write something like that about him. It wasn’t until they were at lunch and Eddie caught Ben staring at Beverly as she shared a cigarette with Richie that he realized what he was actually feeling.

 

The idea filled him with dread and Eddie yelled that Richie could have the rest of his lunch while he grabbed his bag and hurried off to class. Over his shoulder, Eddie could see the others giving him a worried look as Richie started to pick apart Eddie’s food. It didn’t matter to him, though. He felt dirty for having a crush on Ben. Ben was so sweet and good and Eddie knew that he wouldn’t be gay. Ben was a  _ good  _ kid. On his way to class, Eddie stopped in the bathroom where he emptied the contents of his stomach. He rinsed his mouth with mouthwash that was in his fanny pack and went to class with shaky hands and a mind full of guilt. 

 

Eddie thought this would be the last time he fell for one of his friends. He watched as Stan wrote down notes in front of him and sighed to himself. Eddie had already finished copying what was on the board in his own scratchy handwriting. Stan was much more meticulous about notes, though. Stan was much more meticulous about everything. Eddie knew that Stan noticed everything the other losers forgot. He was always the one to remind them of things and he was always looking out for everyone else. He seemed to pick up all of Bill’s slack in taking care of them and Eddie often wondered why Stan didn’t lead them instead. It had to be Bill, though. Some unknown force elected Bill to lead them and Eddie knew that Stan didn’t want that responsibility anyway. 

 

This time, Eddie was confident about his crush. Not confident enough to tell Stan, but confident enough to tell his mother how he felt about boys. Eddie had lost count of how many times he tried to look at Beverly the same way his friends did, but it never went the way he wanted it to. Eddie knew he liked boys and only boys. He also knew that his mother loved him before anything else and he hoped that would come through when he came out to her. He was wrong, though. When Eddie told his mom how he felt, she went into hysterics. She blamed herself and insisted that they see a doctor first thing in the morning. That’s what they did. Eddie was put in intensive therapy and he was out of school for over a month. When he came back he had retreated in on himself, he was no longer the boy he used to be. He stopped hanging out with the losers.

 

In college, Eddie knew he was supposed to be in love. The girl that he brought home was one that his mother seemed to love. Although, he couldn’t tell if she actually liked the girl or if she was just glad that he was finally showing interest in girls. He wasn’t, though. It felt so wrong, but Eddie knew that he had to make his mother happy. Just the thought of going back to shock therapy was enough to scare him into being with this girl. The girl seemed to be a good fit for him and Eddie knew that if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with a girl, she was probably the best he was going to get. She took care of him and she was overbearing like his mother, not that Eddie ever made that connection. He just figured she treated him right.

 

Myra soon became a Kaspbrak and the wedding ceremony was small, only consisting of family and a few friends. The losers weren’t invited as they were forgotten soon after graduation. Eddie didn’t love Myra and the more time he spent with her, the more he realized that he didn’t even really like her. She wanted to control every aspect of his life and it felt too suffocating. They had only kissed a handful of times, much to her dismay. Their sex life was hardly anything and Eddie found himself constantly looking for excuses to be away from her. His limo company was the easiest out and Eddie would have excuses to be out all night if it meant that he didn’t have to feel Myra’s hands on him. Eddie knew he was supposed to love her, but he couldn’t find it in him to do that.

 

A phone call brought it all back and Eddie remembered how he felt for all of the losers. It didn’t fully hit him until he was back in Derry and he saw everyone’s faces. Well, everyone except for Stan. His heart ached at the loss of his friend, but something told Eddie that that wasn’t the only thing the losers would lose on this journey. Eddie saw Bill and he was glad to see that Bill was in a happy marriage. Beverly on the other hand was a story that broke his heart. He may have never loved her like that, but he always loved Beverly. She deserved to be happy, they all did. Mike, Ben, and Richie were all without a partner and Eddie hoped that they were finding happiness elsewhere. Although, something about Richie being with someone else felt wrong to Eddie.

 

Richie and Eddie had really reconnected when they saw each other again. The more they talked, the more Eddie realized that despite how he felt about all the other losers, Richie was the one great love of his life. It didn’t take away from all the other times he was in love, but the way he felt about Richie was something greater than all of this. All the feelings were there, but Eddie couldn’t put it into words until he was laying in Richie’s arms and bleeding onto his shirt. “Don’t call me Eds.” he had said at the childhood nickname, but Eddie didn’t mean it. As much as he pretended to hate that nickname there was something that was always special about it. It was something between just him and Richie. The others didn’t call him that, the others didn’t call him anything but ‘Eddie’. “You know I… I…” Eddie wanted to tell Richie how he felt. This may be the very last chance he got. It may be the last chance he got to say anything and Eddie wanted his last words to be honest. His words died on his tongue, though. 

 

Eddie Kaspbrak died without ever telling any of the people that he loved how much he truly loved them.

 


End file.
